This Valentine’s Day, forget all about Tiffany and Jared jewelers — head straight to Michaels. Buy some printer paper, or if you’re feeling fancy, a stack of construction paper, and maybe a marker or two. Because you’re making badges for your loved ones.
What’s a badge? Glad you asked.
A badge is a roughly 3×4 inch of rectangle of paper on which you document your appreciation for the ho-hum, under-the-radar, everyday domestic heroism of your significant other — the kind of stuff that builds a life, not a resume. Less formal than a card, more official than a sticky note, it should take between 30-60 seconds to craft a respectable badge (illustrations are encouraged but not required).
They’re all the rage — in my household, at least.
What goes on a badge? As a general rule of thumb, if the task is unpleasant, a giant time-suck, and the mere thought of it induces deep sighs, it’s probably badge-worthy. Take your pick — domestic drudgery is a large umbrella.
Oversaw the purchase and installation of a new dishwasher? That’s a badge. Sports chauffeur? Recipe researcher? Also badges. Packed school lunches for the entire year? Solo-parented while your spouse was out of town for a week? My friend, you bow to no one.
Think of badges as motivational Pokémon cards for adults — once you get one, you’ll want to raise your game and catch ‘em all; I just got a Windex Warrior, but now I really want a Swiffer Sultan badge.
That’s the awesome alchemy of the badge system: it transforms household chores into golden opportunities. I used to get frustrated when the raccoon broke into our garbage bin and made a trash tornado on the back patio. Now all I see is a potential Zookeeper badge. My ambition is blinding.
There are a few basic rules.
First, no fishing for badges. As in, “Wow, we had more dishes than after Thanksgiving dinner today. Welp, they’re all clean now! Someone must have done them.” Similarly, don’t sing “It’s the Hard Knock Life,” while you Lysol the bathrooms.
Second, no complaining. You may be the only one who routinely saves your family from expired condiments and moldy breads, but if you didn’t get a badge then you didn’t get a badge. That’s life. Onward and upward.
Third, it’s good form to hold a periodic badge ceremony. Short and sweet. At the end of the night, sit down at the dinner table with your loved one, initiate proceedings with a smart salute or brisk handshake, and present the badges in succession (“The Chuck E. Cheese Endurance badge, for attending three children’s birthday parties at the Chuckster’s in a single weekend”). Those who say chivalry is dead have never seen a Carpool Captain badge.
Does she want badges? She may not know it, but nothing would make her happier. Does he want badges? He may not know it, but more than anything.
This would be a great place to quote an esteemed psychologist about the “relationship win-win” of showing that you notice, that you appreciate, that you recognize, that you care (as it happens, a $10,000 necklace usually says “I’m sorry I don’t do those things”). But I don’t know any, so you’ll just have to take my word for it on this one.
So if I’m wiping up the kids’ pee around the toilet seat again, re-caulking the windows in a mosquito cloud, or hosing the maggots out of the trash can, don’t pity me. I’m on the edge of glory.
This Valentine’s Day, don’t forget the badges. And it wouldn’t kill you to get some flowers and chocolates, too.
Zach Przystup ([email protected]) works for the Fulbright Program at the U.S. Department of State.
Gregory Daniels is your guide to the latest trends, viral sensations, and internet phenomena. With a finger on the pulse of digital culture, he explores what’s trending across social media and pop culture. Gregory enjoys staying ahead of the curve and sharing emerging trends with his readers.
