Every time babysitters hear a specific detail about my kid, they disappear

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ll get to the point: I’m worried that nannies and babysitters in my area are ableists. (Yes, we have family members who aren’t ableist and would love to babysit, but they live states away.) We have four kids, ages 19 months to 10 years.

The second oldest is autistic. Every sitter that we contact for employment is on board with this range until we disclose the autism diagnosis … and then they ghost us. They don’t even ask about her, like, “Can she understand basic directions?” (yes!), “Is she potty trained?” (also yes!), or “What other skills does she have?” We even contacted a sitter who claimed to have experience caring for kids with disabilities—same result.

In truth, our kid is fairly independent and she would not need much during the hour or two of sitting we would pay for. Is there a way to find an ASD-friendly sitter, one who would at least discuss her boundaries with us? My husband and I aren’t overwhelmed by our kids—they’re good kids and we’re proud of how well they’re doing—we just want to have adult-only date nights again, and the one factor in the continual babysitter ghosting is the fact that we bring up our autistic daughter’s existence.

—Frustrated with Fickleness

Dear Frustrated,

It can be tough to find a good babysitter and discouraging when you can’t, whatever the reasons. And of course, you don’t want an ableist childcare provider, even if they were willing to watch your kids. If you’re part of any groups or communities for parents and families with disabled children, you can ask around there. I also have an autistic child, and have often found good babysitters by asking friends with autistic kids who they would recommend (not that all autistic kids are the same, of course). In addition to all the caregiving websites out there, many of which allow you to specify that you’re looking for a caregiver who’s comfortable working with disabled kids, you might also try reaching out to local high schools and colleges.

When you find another potential babysitter, I wouldn’t wait for them to ask about your autistic child’s strengths and needs—just volunteer key information about all your kids so they understand and can make an informed decision. Something else I’ve done with pretty much every babysitter we’ve ever had is be around the first few times they come over, so they can get to know the kids under less pressure and ask me questions if they need to. Once your new sitter knows your children well and feels confident taking care of them, you can start leaving them all alone.

—Nicole

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