I am the magical sexual creature everyone is hunting for. But I want even more.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I am in an excellent position. I’m a unicorn. I’m in a red state. I’m new on the scene, post-divorce; clean; attractive (though not young); lots of free time this summer. I’m on Feeld (out/with pictures), and interested in trying out MFF threesomes (haven’t had one since college, it’s been awhile), in addition to trying subbing for the first time. I am getting a LOT of interest; I have my first date with a couple this weekend, and a queue of other couples. Here are my questions:

How should I capitalize maximally on this? I think I want to have a slutty summer. How do I keep myself safe? (I’m using PrEP, and will use condoms.) What should I be asking / looking for? Is there a “lingo” manual—I don’t understand some of the “lifestyle” vocab.

And finally, this one is a little out of left field: Is there a chance I could roll this into discreet paid sex work? I am really enjoying feeling like a hot commodity, and the idea of getting paid makes me wet, and extra cash would be nice.

—Unicorn

Dear Unicorn,

Don’t count your unicorn eggs before they’ve hatched. Or maybe the contorted cliché goes more like: Don’t put the cart before the unicorn. No matter how you slice it (with your horn, naturally), you’re getting ahead of yourself. You haven’t actually had any of these hookups yet and you are already planning on more and potentially charging for them. By all means, line up a bunch of prospects and plan to slut out, but keep in mind that actual experience can alter hypothetical plans. Don’t let this dream you have of a slutty summer get in the way of lasting connections that you may find yourself wanting to pursue.

Condoms and PrEP are a great combo. You may also want to look into doxy PEP, which has high rates of protection for bacterial STIs like syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. The treatment process goes like this: You take 200 mg of doxycycline (an antibiotic) within 72 hours after potential exposure to an STI and … that’s it. If you have issues taking antibiotics, this may not be for you, and you may also get some pushback from a prescribing doctor. It’s a relatively new treatment strategy, so not all doctors you encounter will be on board (if your PCP won’t prescribe it, try booking an appointment with an LGBTQ+-friendly healthcare provider—granted this may be a challenge in your red state). If you haven’t gotten Gardasil, a vaccine for certain strains of HPV, including major cancer-causing ones, do so. Even though FDA recommendations have a cap on age, you should be able to get the jabs whenever, you may just have to pay out of pocket. It’s worth it.

There are a few online resources for swinging/poly lingo: See this swingers glossary on Reddit, and the Ready for Polyamory glossary. But part of communicating with people in the lifestyle as someone who’s unacquainted means learning through experience. Don’t be afraid to ask questions—partners with the patience and compassion to teach you may be worth holding onto.

There is a chance you could roll this into sex work, but look: I can’t advise you to do anything illegal, and people on Feeld typically aren’t looking to pay for sex. There are a lot of horny people on the app. People who are interested in having sex with you, upon learning that there’s a fee, may wonder why they should have to pay it when there are so many people down to clown at no cost. Success at hooking up does not necessarily confer success with sex work.

You should also consider the hidden costs of this line of work: It’s not always as easy as you both get off, enjoy it, and you get a nice little wad of bonus cash. The worker-john dynamic is different than the FWB-FWB dynamic. Adding money into the relationship can complicate things, and some transactions aren’t exactly clean. People who pay you for a sex act may treat you as though you owe them beyond what has been agreed upon. This is not to vilify sex work or anyone who takes part in it. I just want you to understand that it’s not always as simple as it may seem from the outside, and it’s maybe not the best venue for your whims for making a few extra bucks.

One way to profit from your hookups, though, would be to look into content creation via a platform like OnlyFans. That comes with its own complications, including finding couples who are down to film and your reaction to whatever feedback you receive as a result of putting yourself out there like that. But it may be an easier way to approach this desire of yours.

Sex advice from Rich and Stoya, plus exclusive letter follow-ups, delivered weekly.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I, both in our early 30s, have been married for several years. While we are very similar in many ways, one area where we differ greatly is sex. I enjoy having sex; my husband obsesses over it. He is always, always pushing to try even more things, buy even more tools, and once we have experimented with a new obsession, he is already in desperate need of the next one.

Over the years, I have gone well past my own interests/boundaries for him, and we have tried everything from BDSM to pegging to anal, purchased many items including prostate massagers, anime costumes and wigs, and fleshlights, done promiscuous chats and photos in various forums, and much more. He has also expressed continuous interest in a threesome or other form of us inviting in others—that is a hard line for me.

My current problem: Due to a recent hysterectomy, I am not cleared for penetration for three to four months. We’ve had breaks before due to the births of our kids, but never this long.
He started going insane day two of recovery, signing up for OnlyFans and spending hundreds of dollars only to realize it wasn’t enough for him. Now he’s texting me constantly about how he cannot stop obsessing over anal, day and night. We tried it several times before and I truly hated it and will not do it again. He refuses to self-pleasure, and while I hate giving blow jobs, I have been trying, but he does not finish from them even after 20-30 minutes and many different tactics. I’ve asked for feedback/instruction, but he says it’s just him and just ends up even more sexually frustrated and refuses to finish himself off.

I. Hate. This. And I truly don’t know what to do. He’s great at oral and happy to give it to me but truly I am ok just resting and healing right now. His constant lack of release puts him in an awful mood and he keeps wanting to engage with me, but at this point it’s just making me feel gross. HELP! What can I do here? We’re not even one month in!

—Sad and Scarred

Dear Sad and Scarred,

I’m always wary about imposing the word “abuse” on a situation that a writer has not labeled as such. But it feels like it may apply here. At any rate, your husband’s sexual selfishness has crossed a line. You’ve “gone well past [your] own interests/boundaries for him” and what has it gotten you? Cajoling and what reads to me like attempts at coercion. You “truly hated” anal, and that couldn’t have been a secret, and yet he’s texting you constantly, obsessing over anal. You hate giving blow jobs, but there you are, trying in vain to get him off with your mouth. I wonder what your sexual satisfaction even looks like, as the narrative you sent left no space for it. It hasn’t even left space for you to heal from major surgery. These are inhumane conditions that you’re living in. About their sex life/partner dynamic, no one should be writing, “I. Hate. This.” And here you are.

I wonder why your husband refuses to masturbate. Via the information you provided, I can infer that it’s because he thinks it’s your job to get him off. If that is indeed his mindset, it is an imperial one and it puts you in the position of essentially being his sex toy with a pulse. It is, however, encouraging that at least one of your hard lines is being respected (the threesome thing). If you’re set on making this work, I would keep drawing those hard lines. I would tell him that You. Hate. This. I would let him know that sex, which can be a way of deepening a relationship, has become burdensome. He’s displaying an overall disrespect for your body; you’re unfortunately tasked with demanding respect. You can point out to him that you’ve been going along with his requests for a while, and now you have one of your own: to be left alone while you heal. It’s that simple. You can’t make him jerk off, but you can certainly foster an environment where he has no other choice, lest he pray for wet dreams before bed.

When all else fails, block and ignore. Don’t even entertain these requests until you’re ready, and let him know that you’ll tell him when you are. I don’t mean to portray your husband as evil. He’s not being considerate, but it seems that prioritizing his pleasure has worked well for him. He asks and receives. Is he over the line? Yes. But he may just think that this is how this works when one party in a relationship is more adventurous than the other. If this is the lesson he’s picked up along the way, he can and should unlearn. You may require an impartial third party like a counselor to help enlighten him. If all else is good in your relationship, though, presumably he does fundamentally respect you and will be able to show it through his actions. He just has a lot of work ahead of him.

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Dear How to Do It,

My (F51) partner (M36) is an amazing lover who can make me orgasm multiple times per session and never fails to leave me completely satisfied. I want to do the same for him. What he wants is a very sloppy blow job involving lots of my saliva and spitting on his penis. The problem is my mouth tends to be dry, to the point where I sometimes have to take a moment to drink water mid-blow job. Any good tips for how I can generate extra saliva?

—Not Sloppy Enough

Dear Sloppy Enough,

There’s nothing wrong with taking a moment to drink water mid-blow job. If that’s what you need to do, do it. Otherwise, see this recent column for some more saliva-producing suggestions. Gatorade, and other sugary drinks like it, reportedly produces more saliva that’s of slightly thicker viscosity. (Gatorade has the added benefit of also being salty—via those drink-defining electrolytes—which can add to the production of saliva.) There are also stick-on XyliMelts, which contain the active ingredient xylitol (also found in many types of gum) that helps keep the spit flowing. There’s a tip from Reddit to suck on your cheek or press your tongue against it to fool your body into thinking that you’re eating, which promotes saliva production. There’s also flavored lube.

A somewhat advanced tip: Gagging can produce what my HTDI partner Jessica Stoya and I call “throat slime.” As she put it years ago in this column: “It’s usually stringy, clear, and super slippery. It also dries slower than spit.” The trick is to gag without vomiting, which can be a hard line to toe for the uninitiated. Basically, as soon as you start to gag, you pull back before it tips over into a full-on upchuck. If you can get it just right, you’ll have an abundance of that slime for the sloppy blow job of his dreams.

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Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and together for 15. When it comes to intimacy, I would say I take on more of the male tendencies of wanting sex more often. We are in our late 30s and only have sex once a week! I feel like we are too young to not be having it more often. I feel like maybe there is something about me that he doesn’t like or maybe after three vaginal births it doesn’t feel as good as his hand. Am I overthinking?

—I Need More Sex

Dear Need More,

If you’re overthinking, you’re in good company. I love to overthink. “Overthinking” may speak to unhealthy rumination, but it also can be a sign of how much you care about something. And certainly, trying to not think about something often backfires—you end up thinking about it more.

What may be more important than how much you think about something is how you think about something. You have a notion that you’re too young to be having sex only once a week. Well, you’ve been together for 15 years, and a relationship’s duration can have a negative effect on sexual frequency. Also, by many measures, once a week is about average—in fact, one 2015 study suggested that once a week was the sweet spot. As NBC explained of this Goldilocks effect: “Couples who had sex more than once a week didn’t report being any happier, and those who had sex less than once a week reported feeling less fulfilled.” So, if you feel like you should be having more sex because of some external force (like the notion of what society is telling you is correct), well, you can adjust your thinking to the pacing of the status quo.

But clearly, there is something more there—you want sex more often and you’re not getting it. The only way to start dealing with this issue is a conversation with your husband. Be careful not to ask any questions that you don’t want answered—if he actually said, “After three vaginal births, it doesn’t feel as good as my hand,” could you take that? If not, don’t even bring the conversation close to there. It’s probably better to keep things positive, perhaps asking whether there is anything he’s been wanting to try. Is there anything you can add to your sex life to make it more exciting?

You may also want to check out some books on long-term sexual connection like Emily Nagoski’s Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections and Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity. This is not an issue that you can solve alone. But you should also be prepared in case your husband is completely satisfied by your once-a-week sex life. Libidos vary. It’s not personal. Once a week is a good way to sustain your sexual relationship. More release for you could be found via masturbation or possibly opening up your relationship. I have no idea if you even want to go that route, but it’s an option.

—Rich