How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and together for 22. We’re happy, successful, have kids, the white picket fence, the whole lot. I had a dream a while ago that unlocked something for me.
I saw her kissing another man and woke up not feeling jealous, not aroused, but kind of at peace with the idea. It’s slowly morphed into the idea of offering her a “hall pass.” I don’t want it reciprocated, I don’t even want to know if she uses it or with whom (I’ve decided on some other rules too that need not be listed here)—but the idea that she might find herself in a situation that would result in her pleasure and can take advantage of it with my consent (if not my knowledge) is appealing to me. I’m quite unsure, however, of how she would react should I make the offer. I can’t think of a way to even casually joke about it to gauge her interest. She’s not an overly sexual person, and probably wouldn’t even be interested, but she’s human with human desires. I need help deciding if it’s a gift worth giving or just a stupid idea I need to forget about before I accidentally ruin our marriage.
—Dream or Nightmare?
Jessica Stoya: I just handled a column about a guy who told his wife of 17 years about his long-standing cuckold fantasy, and she was so weirded out by it and thought he didn’t love her. The writer didn’t specify, but I assumed that there was an element of shock there because they’d been together for so long and then all of a sudden he was like, “By the way, I would love for you to have sex with other men.” That can be really unsettling. So do check out that column for a first-person account of how this can go poorly, just to factor it into the overall risk assessment.
Rich Juzwiak: The dynamic in this question is interesting because usually, these questions are, “I want to have sex with somebody else. How do I do that?” And there’s a real risk people feel with admitting this desire and what their partner will think and how will it change the relationship. This specific scenario, I would say, is pretty unique in terms of the writer saying, “I don’t want anything in return. I don’t even want to know about this.” It seems like the pivotal event for the writer would just be the conversation in which he bestows the ability of this hall pass onto his wife, and then he would just live knowing that he’s allowed her to have her freedom. To me, that seems like a low-stakes conversation, but I know people have different sensitivities.
Jessica: In heterosexual relationships, there’s a strong historical framework of love as jealousy—of jealousy and ownership as a love language. And so that’s, I think, why the writer I mentioned earlier’s wife felt that his sharing of his fantasies was a sign that he didn’t love her. So that’s something that I think is worth considering here as well. Maybe the way to feel it out is not to joke. Because if you present it as a joke, it’s going to be taken as a joke. Instead, why not start a conversation about what the expectation of fidelity means within their relationship?
Rich: Yes. Because while what you just alluded to is the idea that fidelity equals monogamy, in a consensually non-monogamous situation, those things are not equal. Fidelity would be adhering to an agreement. It doesn’t necessarily mean not having sex with other people. It means we have sex with other people on our terms. One could disabuse oneself of the notion that monogamy and fidelity are the same thing, but that might be a difficult thing to spring on someone.
Jessica: Every once in a while, I wish I could include a visual aid. I’m going to draw this in the air and try to describe it. The conversation tree could start with, “Hey, all this discussion of sex positivity in the media lately just has me curious about what fidelity in our relationship means to you.”
The wife might respond with Option A: “It just means honoring the agreements we have.” To which the letter writer can say: “Great. I’ve got this fantasy…”
Or Option B: “It means monogamy.” Which the writer can respond with: “Where does that come from?”
The follow-up questions to that have to be done carefully to avoid a potentially explosive scenario, but there are ways to be like, “Oh, we never talked about why we chose monogamy. When we got together 22 years ago, the thing to do was just work off all of these assumptions, and I am genuinely curious.” So to come from a place of curiosity and caution could help our writer get a sense of whether his suggestion would ruin his marriage. And also, these conversations, even if he decides to keep his fantasy to himself, can be a really good way for people in a relationship to reinscribe what they mean to each other, and what their roles and expectations are.
Rich: I would just be careful to really spell out the fact that they’re not proposing this so that the LW themselves can have sex with other people. You have to get in front of that conversation and really bring it home, because I think that many people would suspect when their partner comes and says, “You can have sex with somebody else,” it means, “I want to have sex with somebody else, and I’m getting ahead of that conversation.”
So you have to unravel it a little bit and be like, “No, really, it just occurred to me basically from a philosophical perspective.” It feels like there’s a generosity aspect, but it also feels like the writer is just kind of like, “This should be a thing that’s allowed. I want nothing in return for this. I just think on principle, you could have this if you want it.” You just have to be really specific with your words and really drive those points home. This is a nuanced proposal, so you have to honor the nuance of what you’re asking for.
Jessica: And the other thing that people tend to assume is that their partner is no longer interested in sex with them, and so wants them to get it somewhere else. So do the sandwich maneuver. When it comes to broaching the actual subject, “I find you so attractive. I love you so very much. Here’s the situation, and I want to remind you how much you turn me on and that I want this because the idea of it is interesting to me.” Then just really hammer the point home with an extra, “I think you’re so hot. I find you very attractive.”
More Advice From Slate
I’m a procrastinator; my partner is a do-it-yesterday-er. Earlier this year, I was kvetching about doing my taxes. My partner, by way of motivation, said “Get ‘em done and I’ll blow you.” Because my partner is very Good at That, I got to work immediately, but was held up by some missing paperwork. Flash forward to now, and the missing form is in hand. Pleased with myself for filing, I mentioned to my partner that I’d be taking that BJ at their next earliest convenience. They scoffed!
Daisy Hips is a science communicator who brings the wonders of the natural world to readers. Her articles explore breakthroughs in various scientific disciplines, from space exploration to environmental conservation. Daisy is also an advocate for science education and enjoys stargazing in her spare time.
