My husband came to me with a baffling proposition. I can’t believe I’m considering it.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m in my mid-40s and have been happily married to my husband for 15 years. We’ve always had a good sex life—we like to try new things (toys, new positions, etc.) but aren’t strangers to falling into a routine just like most. Well, lately, we’ve been in a slight downturn, where we’ve only been having sex a few times a month. But we’ve been busy, life happens I get it. Recently, we talked about our dip and how we wanted to get back to a better place. In that conversation, the topic of fantasies came up. It turns out my husband has a new idea he’s been really thinking about and would love to try.

He wants to help set me up with other men and potentially watch/join in. He said he discovered the genre through some videos and he would really like to try it if I’m interested. He’d really like to be a part of the entire process: helping me find someone and helping me prep for the night. We’ve never done anything like this before/invited anyone else into our bedroom so this feels very out of nowhere. I honestly couldn’t believe he was seriously posing this to me at first. I told him I would think about it. The crazy part is I’m actually considering it. I never thought I’d be into something like this but I’m surprising myself by actually being turned on by the idea. Is it a bad idea to jump into this? What should I be thinking about before agreeing? And also how would we even make this happen, or should I leave the logistics up to him?

—Out of My Element

Dear Out of My Element,

You’re the third writer in as many weeks to submit a question on the theme of “husband wants to know wife is, or could be, having sex with other men.” And, after years of writing this column and nearly two decades of hearing about sexual fantasies and practices, I’m not so sure it’s outrageous to consider engaging in a little cuckolding, stag/vixening, or other forms of “wife steps out” non-monogamy if you’re interested. Since both you and your husband are turned on by the idea, I think it’s worth at least considering further.

Sometimes our fantasies are more enjoyable when they stay in that realm, so do be prepared for one or both of you to decide—as you get closer to enacting this in reality—that you’d prefer to keep sex with others as something you talk about but don’t actually do. Jealousy might be something that pops up for your husband. So do continue to share your emotions and feelings with each other, and keep an eye out for anything on either end that signals, “Stop!”

You’ll want to be cautious of sexually transmittable infections, which means communicating with potential partners about testing, and using (at the very least) condoms for penetration. If you’re able to speak with your doctor about what your risks are, that’s ideal, but if you don’t feel comfortable, know that the main concerns in the U.S. are HIV, Hep C, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Mycoplasma, HPV, and Herpes. You might want to see about getting the HPV vaccine (adults up to 45 can get it now, if you haven’t already), as that—along with herpes and syphilis—can be transmitted pretty easily even with condom use.

As for how to make this happen, you’ve got dating apps, swingers’ clubs, and non-monogamy meet-ups. Whether you leave the logistics up to your husband depends on how much you appreciate surprises, and more generally, how involved you want to be in the process.

How to Get Advice From How to Do It

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) 

Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend and I have amazing sex, but one problem that’s been bothering me for months is not being able to orgasm. I can only do it by myself with a vibrator, but it takes ages and I practically have to tense up my whole body. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told masturbation was bad. I was even taken to the doctor at a young age and my parents didn’t believe it when they were told the truth. I thought it was my SSRI affecting my sex life, but I realized it’s deep-rooted shame and embarrassment. How can I let myself go with my boyfriend, without having to tense up my entire body? Should I see a sex therapist?

—Crawling to the Finish Line

Dear Crawling to the Finish Line,

SSRIs, shame, and habituation can all contribute to difficulty reaching orgasm. I reached out to Kari Harrison, a licensed clinical professional counselor and AASECT-certified sex therapist at The Expansive Group, for some further insight:

Orgasms can be a lot of work—emotionally, mentally, and even physically…but when it comes down to it, our biggest sex organ is not our genitals but our brain! So, if shame-oriented thoughts and feelings are showing up for you frequently during sex, that could absolutely make it more difficult to be present in a way that allows your body to respond to pleasure that culminates in having an orgasm. But one can have pleasurable sex without having an orgasm, and sometimes taking the pressure off having an orgasm can create space for orgasm to happen. In decentering orgasm, you may find yourself becoming more attuned to what you are experiencing sexually with your partner that you enjoy.

It sounds like shame-based narratives are what you are finding the most disruptive and distracting during sex right now—so a mindfulness-based practice could be helpful in getting you recentered in your body. For example, you may try noticing every time a shame-based thought comes into your mind that takes you away from your body during sex—and redirecting yourself back to sensations that are happening in your body. Try to describe them to yourself. And if you notice yourself thinking about sensations or a lack of sensations rather than experiencing them, try redirecting your attention back to the sensations themselves. A sex therapist can help you expand on this practice, and work with you to unpack some of the shame you are holding around sex and find deeper pleasure and connection in your body. You also mentioned SSRIS, and it is worth noting that delayed orgasm is a common side effect of SSRIS because of the way they alter the neurochemicals involved in arousal—so if you are taking them, they could be having an additional impact.

Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend and I are long-distance for the first time in our relationship. I’m spending six months abroad while he’s staying back in our hometown. He’s going to come visit a few times during my stint but it will be few and far between so I’ve been trying to keep things interesting by trying to introduce sexting back into our dynamic. We’ve only sexted very little during our relationship (we’ve been together for three years) so it feels a bit awkward/he’s not really giving any responses that are more explicit than just, “Oh you look good,” or a suggestive thought about how he can’t wait to see me again. Meanwhile, I was kind of thinking we could try our hand at phone sex. How do I introduce that here—and make it clear I want a little something more?

—Send Pics (Or Not)

Dear Send Pics,

Try this as an introduction: “I miss you emotionally. I miss cuddling with you. And I also miss the sexual connection we have. I’d like to play with (or experiment with) sexting and phone sex. Are you open to talking about this with me?” Good luck.

Dear How to Do It,

I was raised in light purity culture, definitely not the most oppressive version out there, but it still limited me mentally and logistically. I have only had two real sexual partners, including my husband. But there’s a lot that I don’t know how to do and a lot I am not sure I’ll ever feel comfortable doing. As an appreciative receiver of oral sex, I’d love to be a giver of oral sex, especially with my husband. But even when he’s squeaky clean and fresh-showered the natural funk of the region is a huge turn-off. It’s not like you can solve it by breathing through your mouth… How do I get past this?

—Funked Up

Dear Funked Up,

It sounds like your issue with oral is less about your experience with purity culture and more about a distaste for the smell. Some people simply don’t like the way genitals smell (or taste). Some people don’t mind the genitals of some people and do mind the genitals of others. And, as you’ve discovered, sometimes people marry others whose genitals they prefer to avoid oral contact with.

You might ask your husband to try a few different kinds of soap—just like perfume, the scents of some soaps highlight funk where others mitigate. But it’s possible that you simply don’t enjoy being up close and personal with his particular smell, and that’s OK. He married you, presumably, without much oral sex in the picture, and you get to have your preferences and sensitivities.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

I am 25, female, single, and horny as hell because I have taken quarantine very seriously, since I live with a roommate who is high-risk. However, my roommate has headed home and will remain with her parents for at least a month, maybe longer. In anticipation of this, I’ve gotten back on the apps hoping to find a regular hookup buddy during my window of freedom. I also changed up my match parameters in terms of age, because sex with an older man has long been a fantasy of mine, and I figure if I’m going to expand my boundaries a little bit, now is as good a time as any! Well, I matched with a 49-year-old guy.