My mother-in-law made us a promise before our baby’s birth. Then she betrayed us.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I welcomed our second child, a daughter, into the world two months ago, but the help we were promised from my mother-in-law has yet to arrive. When our first—our son—was born, it was during COVID lockdown, so we neither wanted nor received any help besides a few days’ worth of meals. The process of raising a newborn in isolation was stressful, as was dealing with being laid off during my parental leave. We decided that having a second child would require more help from our families, specifically my MIL. Only my dad, stepmom, and my MIL are nearby—my mom and my wife’s dad both live on the other side of the country. My dad is frail and anxious and not really fit to watch the kids, and my stepmom still works and doesn’t have a lot of time to help out. My MIL is recently retired and has grandma experience from our kids’ older cousin. But despite her promises that she would be here for us after our daughter was born, she hasn’t followed through.

I had to go back to work two weeks after the birth. My MIL and I worked out a schedule where she would come over on the two nights a week when I work later than our son’s bedtime so that my wife doesn’t have to deal with both kids alone. Instead, my MIL comes over one night a week, and not every week. She refuses to learn our bedtime routine and berates our son over his eating habits and his delaying tactics when it comes to using the potty and going to bed—he’s 3 years old, but she expects him to behave like his 5-year-old cousin. And that’s when she even agrees to come to our house at all. Most of the time, she won’t “help” unless it’s on her terms, like inviting the kids to her house for dinner instead. That might be fine (though again, it’s my wife who has to load up the car and drive over, since I’m at work), except my MIL won’t baby- or toddler-proof her house. She leaves out obvious choking hazards, won’t crate or otherwise lock up her large and aggressive dog, and doesn’t do a thorough job of cleaning. We were all over there for my wife’s birthday party a few weeks ago, and my son found and drank from a milk cup that had been left under an end table in the living room for several days. When we’ve brought up these issues, gently and with care not to offend, she’s brushed off our concerns and then suggested having our oldest for an overnight with his cousin, who she babysits in order to give their parents (my wife’s brother and his partner) at least one night off every week. She proactively volunteers to take our nibling on multiple nights, but has repeatedly double-booked herself when she was supposed to be watching our son. She even double-booked herself for his birthday party.

If it isn’t clear yet, I’m pretty much prepared to write my MIL off when it comes to any kind of help. But this whole experience has been emotionally crushing for my wife. She grew up as the only girl with three brothers, two of whom were significantly younger than her, and my MIL relied on her to handle a lot of parenting duties. I think she expected that effort would be repaid when she had kids of her own, not that her own mother would respond with borderline flippant disinterest in helping out. All this has left my wife in tears on more than one occasion. I wish I could help more directly, but we need the money from my job, which requires me to work two nights a week. Unfortunately, it doesn’t pay well enough for us to afford a babysitter. Do you have any insight into what I can do to support my wife as we navigate this situation? Is there any hope of breaking through to my MIL? Or are we being too picky?

—Helpless Dad

Dear Helpless Dad,

It doesn’t sound like you’re being super picky. Your mother-in-law is not you or your wife; she won’t take care of your kids in the exact same way you do, and she doesn’t have to—but she should be able to keep them safe, follow whatever bedtime routine they need, and refrain from being unduly hard on your son. You can try letting her know how desperate you are for help and asking what’s behind her reluctance to help out in the way she promised; perhaps there’s a way for you to address whatever obstacles or misunderstandings might exist. But if your mother-in-law refuses to be the kind of caregiver you want—or is just maxed out from spending two nights a week caring for a combination of your kids and their cousin and can’t commit to a third night after all—those are things you and your wife might not be able to change.

To your point about your wife finding her mother’s behavior “emotionally crushing”: I understand that she’s been hurt and let down. Her feelings are understandable. But whatever is going on is because of your mother-in-law—her choices, her capacity, her limitations, etc.—and is not a reflection on your wife. If she continues to take her mother’s behavior personally, it could end up hurting her more than anyone else. She has every right to feel disappointed, but it may also be necessary for both of you to adjust your expectations where your mother-in-law is concerned, and recognize that her behavior isn’t about you or your kids—it’s about her.

I realize it’s hard to tell your spouse to expect less from her mother in the hope she won’t be so deeply hurt when assistance is withheld, so I wouldn’t focus on that point right now. You can help and support your wife by doing what you can when you are home, listening to her, validating her feelings, and acknowledging that you know it’s hard on the two nights you’re at work and she’s alone with the kids. Give yourselves some grace—few people have a rock-solid routine during the newborn phase. In addition to providing all the emotional support you can, consider whether there is anything that might offer short-term practical relief—is there enough to spare for even a little bit of temporary childcare/parent helper time to get you through these early months? Are there any good friends you could ask to come over from time to time? (Having an extra pair of hands for even one hour can help a lot—I also remember feeling like I couldn’t completely break down if there was a witness, hah.) Or is there anything else you can do to make the time your wife is on her own easier? Can you prepare food, do extra chores, or make sure she sleeps in or has a nap before you go to work?

Again, you can try one last time to express your needs and wishes to your mother-in-law, but if she continues as she is and is unwilling to do more, try to accept that and look for other solutions. Focus on taking care of your family and getting through these early weeks and months however you can. I promise that evenings and occasional solo parenting will soon feel slightly less daunting, even if they never feel easy. I don’t know how much damage has been done to your relationship with your mother-in-law, whether it’s possible to restore trust in time, or if that’s even what your wife wants—when you have a little more time and energy and are past the newborn phase, you both can figure out how you want to proceed in your relationship with her.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

What is your opinion on baby-proofing? Specifically, if you have a curious baby and are invited to a family member’s house who you know has made no effort to baby-proof dangerous hazards such as pet food and water, stacks of magazines and books, large decor such as candles or statues, and small animal toys? Is it wrong of me to expect that if I am invited to go to someone’s house with my baby, they make at least some accommodations to ensure my baby’s safety, or is that a selfish expectation?

—Mom of a Meddling Baby

Dear Mom,

First of all, not everyone is fully aware of what baby- or toddler-proofing entails, or programmed to quickly scan a room and identify all the things a small child could harm or be harmed by. Even those of us with older kids sometimes forget about all the potential hazards. When my kids were babies, we bolted bookshelves to the wall so they couldn’t pull them down on top of themselves. We installed safety latches on cabinet doors. We put gates in front of the stairs. Our family members didn’t do all of these things when we visited them in their own homes, nor did we expect them to. That’s why I didn’t just turn my babies loose in other people’s houses.

It’s fine to offer your hosts a few suggestions regarding basic kid-proofing (so long as you’re polite about it!), or ask to move objects out of baby’s reach. You should always keep an eye out, of course—when you bring your baby into a new environment that wasn’t designed with them in mind, you’re still responsible for them. Ideally, you should be able to express your child’s safety needs and work with your host to accommodate them as best they can. But don’t hold it against people who don’t see every danger you do; just be alert and ready to defend both baby and breakable objects.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

How do I stop feeling so upset by my kids’ age-appropriate jabs and barbs? I have a 10-year-old and a 13-year-old and out in the world I know they’re kind, compassionate, sensitive people. However, they think absolutely nothing of telling me everything that’s wrong with me at any given moment, and comparing me to other adults who are better in some way. Apparently, I am no fun (but Daddy is), I’m too strict (but so and so’s mom isn’t), I overreact to everything, my clothes are ugly and my hair looks bad. I get that this is all very normal, but I really hate it, especially because I’m busting my butt 24/7 managing all their needs. I cried on Mother’s Day because no one even made me a card, and then that was another example of me overreacting. I’ve watched all the sitcoms and read all the blogs; I know part of having teens and tweens is suffering through their disdain. How do I make it feel less bad?

—Not So Modern Family

Dear Not So Modern Family,

You don’t have to quietly suffer their disdain! Tell them to quit it. If they don’t, there should be consequences. Yes, it’s normal for teens and tweens to crave independence and chafe a bit at their parents’ control—or, you know, our general existence—but I don’t actually think it is normal for kids to constantly criticize or be unkind, especially if these behaviors are only directed at one parent. You don’t have to accept whatever treatment your children dole out or give them a pass because … puberty? There is no “you’re a teenager so you get to be a dick all the time” dispensation!

Checking your kids’ rudeness and teaching them not to hurt others intentionally or accidentally, doesn’t mean that you think they’re bad people. They’re still learning how to behave and what’s expected of them. It’s your job to let them know how you and others should be treated, so they don’t spend their lives running roughshod over people’s feelings. And while you shouldn’t take everything they say personally, you don’t surrender your right to basic courtesy once you become a parent. When you correct your kids for being unkind, it’s for their benefit, too.

This isn’t your sole responsibility, of course. Their dad should also be standing with you and refusing to tolerate rude behavior from your kids, whoever it’s directed at. (It is also his job to make sure someone gets or makes you a damn card for Mother’s Day!) One last note: Sometimes, when kids are mean—intentionally or not—they are following someone else’s example. I sincerely hope your children aren’t echoing their dad or anyone else when they criticize or disrespect you, but if by some chance they are, that also needs to be addressed.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 6-year-old picks up most new skills with relative ease. But with things that are harder for them or just take time to learn (see: reading, riding a bike, learning to swim)—which their teacher called “productive struggle”—my kid can get really frustrated and shut down. I know one thing that has worked for us is giving a break—for example, we’d been doing swim lessons for ages with little change, then took four months off from lessons, and then kiddo swam across the pool on their first lesson back. What advice do you have for building resiliency during productive struggles? How do you approach those situations?

—Teaching

Dear Teaching,

If I had a foolproof solution to this problem, I’d be better at the backstroke. (Spend a ton of time doing something you’re not immediately good at? In this economy?) It’s natural to get a little frustrated when something is hard or you’re not progressing as fast as you’d like, and I think it’s fine to let your kid know that they’re allowed to feel that way. With certain kids and activities, it can help to talk about how getting better at a particular thing will pay off—learning to ride a bike means your family can go on bike rides together; becoming a better swimmer will make summer a lot more fun; if you’re able to read, you never have to be bored! And remember to celebrate incremental progress and praise effort, not mastery.

I like your take-a-break approach, too. There’s plenty of time for kids to learn new things, and it should be OK for them to go at their own pace. You don’t have to force them to muscle through every difficult learning experience, no matter what! But you do want them to know that if they work at something that is initially tough, they will get better, and that is a good skill in and of itself.

More Advice From Slate

My wife and I have four kids, (2, 6, 9, and 11). She’s a great mom, and the kids love her. She’s also a huge perfectionist, which stems from constant criticism from her parents all throughout her life. She’s been in therapy as long as I’ve known her and is doing great, except for one problem. We have all of our kids (except the youngest) do chores, but sometimes my wife gets frustrated at the quality of the housework my kids are doing, and then she just takes over herself.