My next-door neighbor has no idea what her kids are up to

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am an educator who is off for the summer. My neighbor’s children, who are close in age to mine (9 and 10), knock on my door every morning around 9 a.m..

I am not a morning person, and I want to enjoy my time to sleep in. My children know this about their mother, and they sometimes sleep in too—but even if they are awake, they’re certainly not yet ready for company. The children knock on my door throughout the day. Often, they haven’t eaten at home and are hesitant to leave when I prepare meals for my children or I just want them to go home. Their mother works overnight and sleeps during the day, so she may not even be fully aware of her children’s behavior/routine. How do I politely set boundaries without sounding rude or selfish?

—Home for the Summer

Dear Home,

You can politely set a boundary with the children by telling them clearly—and maybe also posting a sign on the door that says—that there is to be no knocking on your door before … well, whatever hour you choose to specify. Tell them that, just as they know not to wake their mother, you don’t want to be roused from sleep either. And say please.

But beyond that, what worries me is that you’ve got two young children living next door to you who are not being fed or otherwise cared for all day long. And that your (seemingly) only concern is that they not mooch on you for food or attention. Do your children enjoy playing with them? (For my daughter, at that age, having neighbor-friends her own age was a godsend: They could play whenever they wanted, without having to rely on parents for the arrangement of playdates. Were those neighbor kids always the ones she’d go out of her way to see if she had to go out of her way? Not necessarily. But they were her go-to friends, almost always available, and kids love to have go-to friends.) If your children want to play with the neighbor children, would it kill you to be kind and generous to them?

Now, if your kids feel put upon, it would be different. So have a conversation with your kids about this before you do anything more than put up a Do Not Disturb Until Noon sign. And by “anything about this” I mean both setting more boundaries, as requested by your children, and letting these hungry kids stay for dinner or a snack. And think about what you’ve said about their being hesitant to go home when you “just want them to go.” This sounds heartless to me. They’re children.  They’ve been left to their own devices all day long. Is it your responsibility to take care of them? No. But would it be kind—would it be good—if you allowed them to bask in your hospitality (again, if your children are happy with the status quo)? It sure would. And it is always better to do good than not to.

—Michelle

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